my first letter to the great spirit

Hello. My name has gone through many changes. I was cesar, then caesar, then teolol, at one point maiz, and pueblo, and now I'm just me.

I'm supposed to be talking to you, but I don't know how. I mean it's not like you can verbally reply or can you? I have tried to pray but I don't know if I am doing it right. I get bored right away. Maybe it is because I am afraid of being alone. Why is that? Or, why do you think that is?

I just saw "at first sight," (the movie) and it made me think. Could I have been blind all this time? Or what does it mean 'to see?'

I've never really listened to a saxophone for that long. It is indeed a beautiful instrument. It does things to me that I do not know how to explain. It's both relaxing and titillating.

Are you mad at me? I feel like you are. I feel like I've disappointed you so many times, that I hate to have to talk to you or look at you in the eyes. But, is that a psychological thing cuz' you have no eyes? Or are your eyes attached to other peoples' faces?

Maybe they are, because I'm afraid to see other people too. I didn't realize the power of sin. I mean, the times I have sinned have remained imbedded in my consciousness and in my heart and I carry them like weights that continue to hold me down. They've made me lazy. Or better yet, I've made myself lazy.

Hold on, I have to pee.

I'm back and as I re-read everything I wrote I realized that it sounds like it's the writing of a child. I guess I never really looked at myself as a child. Or I never really noticed that I had a father? My biological one left when I was two. But I guess you know that.

Do you cry for us? Don't you get tired of it all? I mean the worrying and the constant headaches.

It's about 11:20p.m. in California, is that what you call it? The time and the location? Does it matter?

I don't come to you hungry and tired like DMX, but lazy and afraid. I do not know what to do with my future. Do you have a plan for me? If so, dish it out holmes.'

Does that offend you? Can you read through my typos' and boo-boos'?

I'm 25 and I feel hopeless sometimes. I feel like this world would be better off without me. Is that self-pity? Or do I just have too much time on my hands? What does that mean anyway, "too much time on our hands?"

Why do so many people claim to know you? Do they? Which religion is the one with the hook-up? Is there a religion like that Jesus Christ fellow: unassuming, shy, and humble. Or should I be approaching the ones' that gloat with gigantic temples of Babel?

Are those your actual words in the Bible? Who was King James? Why are Buddha, Allah and Jah'weh followers not cool with each other? Is that an obvious question?

What do you want from us? Who do I repent to? As you know, I was raised Catholic, but I'm not into confessing inside the little room to any priest. Is that ok? I've tried confessing to you, but don't you already know what I've done wrong? And if you do, do you just want to hear it to see if I am sorry?

I feel like I am going deaf from one ear. Is that a sign?

Why is Bobby Chichester's mom gone? He's only a sixth grader and he's not handling it well. I told him that it was "her time to go," but I felt that they were empty words on my part because how do I really know that?! Do you feel me?

I don't know why I am asking you so many questions. That's a question too isn't it?

Were you ticked when I was an atheist? Are you ticked now that I'm still confused about you? Cuz' I am. And I don't know where to turn. I don't want to be reeled in by man, but I want to swim with you.

It feels cheesy asking you for a sign, so I won't. But I won't complain if one happens to come up. Is this one? Just the fact that I'm writing a letter to you, whomever you are, at 11:32p.m. and not watching TV.

Do you like 7th heaven? (The show that is.) I just went through spell check and corrected some of the mistakes. Could you do that with me? Just go through and help me see all of my mistakes?

In the meantime, I hope I haven't taken too much of your time, and I await your reply. Oh by the way, I'm just kidding about the 'cleaning me up' part. I guess I am currently trying to do that on my own. But I could use a hand.

One last thing, take care, and don't watch the news cuz' they'll just make you poo-pee.

Oh, and one more favor, could you please unite socialists, communists, christians, muslims, atheists, anarchists, jews and gentiles, democrats, non-ists, rastafarians, and all others together? Well, I thought I'd ask? I feel like you're saying: "No seas pendejo, that's your job!" But you probably wouldn't say it like that.

Hasta pronto, Tu hijo (that seems weird) So, do I call you 'pa? cesar alonso cruz teolol gomez villafana maiz pueblo y aire contagioso, june 10, 1999

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, noone thinks of changing himself." -Tolstoy

Written by: Cesar A. Cruz

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